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As you continue the conversation, you learn more about the person you're talking with. 1. Saying someone is angry when they’re upset can sound accusatory. They … ): 1. I have tried to summarize each book on this page in just three sentences, which I think is a fun way to distill the main ideas of the book. With a few easy strategies and some specific examples, you can start making conversation with easy confidence. Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay write, what may very well be, one of the most important books to have come out all year. Summary of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most By Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen Summary written by Conflict Research Consortium Staff Citation: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, (New York: Viking Penguin, 1999). Focusing on epistemology avoids many of these issues because people are less threatened by having their epistemology probed than having their beliefs challenged. I just knew a lot about debates and rows. And so we wrote this book to break through those partisan divides and teach people how to communicate with each other. List any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of… Changing one’s mind happens slowly and in a way that suits one’s individual psychology and habits. Attempt to re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I … In How to Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay guide you through the straightforward, practical, conversational techniques necessary for every successful conversation-- whether the issue is climate change, religious faith, gender identity, race, poverty, immigration, or gun control. Though many arguments seem to be about matters of substance, they’re often just disagreements about the meanings of words. Summary of How to Have Impossible Conversations By Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay - A Very Practical Guide book. Philosopher Peter Boghossian and scientist James Lindsay argue that however prickly the topic, we all profit when we air our disagreements – provided we’re out to learn something, not just shout our opponents down. The decoded moral proverb: to win your partner’s trust across a moral divide, you must be able to demonstrate that you care about your partner and, especially, about the values your partner cares about. One issue with digital forms of communication is that they tend to be impersonal. Many delicate conversations fail because nobody acknowledges that the other party is acting upon what they think is morally right. (Rapoport is a game theorist. https://wisewords.blog/book-summaries/how-to-have-impossible-conversations If you want your business to have a presence on social media, Facebook is probably one of the first or the first social media platform you think of. “Conversations create the future. Attempt to re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.” 2. People may become defensive, lost, desperate, or angry. How to Have Impossible Conversations (2019) is a guide to having frank conversations that don’t end in tears. Try to interact with different types of English speakers. However, it certainly isn’t impossible to master! Following this analogy, we’ll call this fallacy the “Unread Library Effect.”. As sociologists Weinstein and Deutschberger (1963) write, We’ tends to be one of the most seductive of English words. Be an active listener. Summary of How to Have Impossible Conversations By Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay - A Very Practical Guide book. Review of How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide It seems just about everyone agrees that the vicious rift in how we disagree with each other has never been worse than it is today, especially in politics. In this book How to Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay describe the process of having effective, civil discussions about any divisive issues - not just religious faith but climate change, race, gender, poverty, immigration, and gun control. It's not impossible to have difficult conversations or "hard talk" well, but it is hard. Philosopher Peter Boghossian and scientist James Lindsay argue that however prickly the topic, we all profit when we air our disagreements – provided we’re out to learn something, not just shout our opponents down. We recommend “favoriting” this photo for easy access and checking it before or during any future tough conversations in which you find yourself. One by one, I recognize the same mistakes in me. James A. Lindsay and Peter Boghossian’s new book is a step-by-step instruction manual on how to discuss emotive and controversial topics without losing friends, alienating people or developing a reputation as … Nobody’s listening. Say – “That’s an interesting perspective. However, health care had seemed less of a basic need than happiness or freedom. Someone might say, for instance, “I hate the government,” when they mean they hate intrusive government, corruption, bureaucracy, concentrated political authority, or regulations that don’t comport with their values. Find out more about the Impossible Conversations competition. While it is impossible to deny the importance of these platforms and the way that they have revolutionized communication, it is important to balance these online interactions with face-to-face communication. Keep the conversation going. Readers have a lot to look forward to this year! This is effortless to remedy: say, “It’s clear to me that being a good person is important to you.”. Often social groups break apart. Here, talking directly about undeserved government handouts or alleviating poverty can avoid the morally charged term welfare. Multitasking forces you to pay a mental price each time you interrupt one task and jump to another. If someone attacks you personally, recast the attack as being about the issue. Any of us, he says, can change the world in this way. I hope we can figure this out together.” Or, that’s a really interesting perspective how did you come to see it that way? The authors note that "the more easily you can admit to your own mistakes, your own mixed intentions, and your own contributions to the problem, the more balanced you will feel during the conversation, and the higher the chances it will go well."(p. The purpose is to help them understand that they do not actually hold the belief they claim to hold. They … Golden Bridges are musts for successful conversations. What leads you to conclude that?”. When questioned about the foundations of moral beliefs, most people quickly develop an acute awareness of their lack of good reasons for believing as they do. One of the best ways to sort out feelings, especially in strained conversations, is to listen and acknowledge them as soon as possible. Download Audiobooks written by James Lindsay to your device. First, it allows your conversational partner to do most of the talking, which affords you the opportunity to listen and prevents them from feeling as though you’re trying to change their mind. This isn't a thousand-page self-help book where a note card worth of ideas is stretched out to an entire novel. The authors admit to getting it wrong in their own past conversations. Use the word contribution. If your partner assumes you have bad intentions, do not waste time trying to convince her otherwise. 3. Change your mindset From Winning to Understanding. Most political conversations founder because challenges to our beliefs trigger our sympathetic nervous system. Da Capo Lifelong, $16.99 trade paper (256p) ISBN 978-0-7382-8532-0 Healthy relationships include both confrontation and appreciation. Tackle your toughest challenge today.® Identify and then confront the real obstacles in your path. They … Attempt to re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.”, 2. Morality and identity issues operate invisibly at the level of emotion rather than reason.“ Literally. Say, “What factors contributed to [X]?” and “What’s your opinion about what contributed to that?”. This hour, TED speakers explore how to communicate across the divide. impossible to pay for if found. It is incredibly practical and will leave you with soo many ideas on how you can improve the conversations in your life. Reframing is particularly useful if people become frustrated.” In brief: translate what you’re saying into terms that are more helpful, seek commonalities and underlying interests, and appeal to superordinate identities. The most difficult conversations, then, masquerade as discussions about something other than morality, but they are actually about what qualities, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours individuals believe make them good people or bad people and why it is important to hold the right views among those. Audible provides the highest quality audio and narration. 119) Other ways to maintain a balanced sense of self in difficult conversations include not trying to control the other's reactions, instead preparing for their reaction, … Delivering a message feels like teaching, whereas a conversation has give-and-take that rewards with learning. And only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism. Get your head out of your @*&. If you find yourself arguing with someone in a “Yes, it is!”/”No, it’s not!” pattern, for example, “The United States is racist”/”No, it’s not!” put it on a comparative scale. Friends have disowned each other over whether they support gun control, immigration, climate change or Trump. The moment you sense fear, frustration, anger, outrage, or disgust from your conversation partner, pay attention to the specific words she uses. Boghossian and Lindsay teach the subtle art of instilling doubts and opening minds. When the conversation is over and you get back to the message, it takes you a few minutes to get your bearings, remember what you were writing, and get back on track. If you’re engaged in a moral conversation, your discussion is always– whether overtly or covertly-about identity issues. If you’re unclear about what someone means, place the burden of understanding upon yourself. Beyond knowing how confident someone is that a belief is true, asking someone to assign a numerical value to their confidence does two things: 1. Answer: Shift your goal from winning to understanding. That being said this is a truly fascinating book, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. --Debra W. Soh, Ph.D., science columnist and political commentator "I thought I knew all I needed to know about conversations and arguments. If a particular book sounds interesting to you, click on the full book summary and you can browse all of my notes on it. Boghossian and Lindsay teach the subtle art of instilling doubts and opening minds. Because humans are attuned to belief consistency, when you unmask an inconsistency it can lead one to reconsider the absurd belief. 4. – How to use collaborative language to get people to feel that you’re on the same team. Therefore, the goal of an intervention is to help people become less confident about what they believe, which is where changing someone’s mind begins. "How to Have Impossible Conversations" is well-written, clear, and to the point. Moral Epistemology – How do we know what is moral? Obey your instincts.® During each conversation, listen for more than content. Construct the scenario so as to remove her preferred solution. In the Meno, Socrates said that people do not knowingly desire bad things. This book gives a chapter to each of its points, introducing concepts and giving you specific examples of how to apply them to conversation, and it moves on. Choose a partner with whom you have a substantial disagreement on a thorny but important issue and see if you can persuade her of your sincerity and good will, gently nudge her to question her ideas, allow her to challenge yours and, together, find some common ground. 1. People need time to wrestle with doubt, incorporate new information, mull over challenges and different perspectives, and rethink their positions. For example, “You did this!” It’s past tense and judgmental. You’ll be less likely to deliver messages if you’re more focused on figuring out how someone knows what they know then if you presume to understand the reasoning behind someone’s conclusions. Distinguish between delivering a message and authentic conversation. How to Have Impossible Conversations A Very Practical Guide (Downloadable Audiobook) : Boghossian, Peter G. : "In our current political climate, it seems impossible to have a reasonable conversation with anyone who has a different opinion. . There are answers to this question, and they can all be effective. How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay. So I think we first all have to just recognize we have certain definitions of our own identity, which we don't often stop and think about, to be honest. Rather than calling out her offenses, try to make sense of what she is saying and appreciate her authenticity, however rough around the edges. As much as you want to lash out, do not. Disagreeing may trigger an adversarial response, whereas “I’m skeptical” signals that you’re open to be persuaded but you’re not quite there yet. Say, “I really want to understand what led you to those conclusions. Unless you can distinguish yourself from the people “on your side” who your conversation partner considers the most frightening, you’ll never gain their trust; they’ll never care how much you know about topics near to their deepest concerns, like religion, morals, and politics. They are, in these cases, a conversational success. With recommendations from world experts and thousands of smart readers. In How to Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay guide you through the straightforward, practical, conversational techniques necessary for every successful conversation — whether the issue is climate change, religious faith, gender identity, race, poverty, immigration, or gun control. One person or both people are ideologues. 4. Discover how company leaders are successfully onboarding new hires when everyone is working from home. An impossible conversation is a conversation across a divide or a gulf when you don’t think it’s possible. For example, “that belief’ and “one’s belief.”. Start by marking “Summary of How to Have Impossible Conversations By Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay - A Very Practical Guide” as Want to Read: Error rating book. They … Steps. List any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of. If your partner enters messenger mode, begin a listening and learning mode centering on asking questions. In How to Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay guide you through the straightforward, practical, conversational techniques necessary for every successful conversation — whether the issue is climate change, religious faith, gender identity, race, poverty, immigration, or gun control. Second, they lead themselves into doubt rather than feeling pressured by someone else. Have a discussion with your book club about the ways your reading selection has changed each of you. When the villain meets a bad end, write your poignant final paragraph and reach the End. As the conversation progresses, continue commenting on the things that are being talked about during pauses and ask for your partner's input. Have her brainstorm alternative solutions. There’s one easy point of agreement available in almost every conversation: point out how extremists on your side go too far. Placing wedges between someone’s moral epistemology and the beliefs she has reached via that epistemology may cause “identity quakes.” An identity quake is the emotional reaction that follows from having one’s core values disrupted. Identify extremists as “fanatics,” “zealots,” and “radicals.”. IMPOSSIBLE CONVERSATIONS ™ ++ VISUAL PROGRAMMING // Skip to main content *Join our mailing list for updates ~ worldwide shipping* Shop ; Mailing List; Archive; Sizing; Contact; Cart; Shop ; Contact; Cart; Featured Products. How to Have Impossible Conversations guides readers through the process of having effective, civil discussions about any divisive issues--not just religious faith but climate change, race, gender, poverty, immigration, and gun control. In How to Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay guide you through the straightforward, practical, conversational techniques necessary for every successful conversation-- whether the issue is climate change, religious faith, gender identity, race, poverty, immigration, or gun control. Take note of how people pronounce things when they have different emotions. In these instances, you can explore why their confidence is so low. Blame, however, is one-sided. In conventional top-down command-and-control structures, it's almost impossible for "bad news" conversations to swim upwards, against the currents of power. What you will learn from reading How to Have Impossible Conversations: – What mindset is required to have great conversations with people who see things differently to you. Then come the pleasures of clarification, conversations in which another person sharpens our ideas by correcting our tendencies to mental blankness and distraction. For example, if Sam believes the soul weighs seven pounds, ask, “Do you think four-pound babies have seven-pound souls?”. (That's why we called our program dealing with this particular issue, HardTalk!) Whether the perpetrator is a coworker, a reporting staff person, or maybe even, your boss, you owe it to them for workplace harmony and serenity, and workplace cleanliness and wellness to hold a difficult conversation. Goodreads helps you keep track of books you want to read. This summary is incomplete in the sense that I only feature what was very insightful to me, I would highly recommend if you enjoy this summary to pick up a copy of this book. It tracks the effectiveness of your intervention. Be the first to ask a question about Summary of How to Have Impossible Conversations By Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay - A Very Practical Guide. How to Have Impossible Conversations Book Summary is quite possibly my favourite book on becoming a better communicator with others. Seemingly impossible conversations typically have one thing in common: they’re about moral beliefs rooted in one’s sense of identity, but they play out on the level of facts (or assertions, name-calling, grandstanding, threats,  etc.). From admitting you don’t know enough to hold a firm position on a topic, ask for explanations, in as much detail as possible, about your partner’s beliefs. Build a Golden Bridge when you feel under attack. Below, you’ll find five tips on how to have impossible conversations. In this book How to Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay describe the process of having effective, civil discussions about any divisive issues--not just religious faith but climate change, race, gender, poverty, immigration, and gun control. How to Have Impossible Conversations is a necessary guide to navigating disagreements -- and building bridges -- using approaches backed by evidence and science." Helping people understand they’re relying upon borrowed knowledge leads them to introduce doubt for themselves and thus has a moderating effect on people’s beliefs. I was wrong. Here is a quick description and cover image of book How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide written by Peter Boghossian which was published in 2019-9-17. They may turn on you, deciding you’re not to be trusted. For example, moral reasoning often follows this pattern: Jon believes good people believe X. Jon believes he’s a good person, so Jon believes he should believe X. Jon then looks for evidence to support X and tends to believe X as a result, while believing he believes X based on the evidence he has found. In How to Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay guide you through the straightforward, practical, conversational techniques necessary for every successful conversation — whether the issue is climate change, religious faith, gender identity, race, poverty, immigration, or gun control. It’s the chink in our belief apparatus. Have you ever read the final, climactic scene of a book, then turned the page to discover a ten-page conversation with a side character? ... How much can you understand? We think we possess the information in the books because we have access to them, but we don’t have the knowledge because we’ve never read the books, much less studied them in depth. You might be surprised to hear how inspired, empowered, enraged, or … More than 1.4 billion people use Facebook every single day, and many multiple times a day. SRILA RAMANUJAM; I've often heard managers say that "Managing people is not easy, given the boundaries of project estimates and time lines" and I quite wondered if the lack of communication was making it all the more difficult! Whether you're in a classroom, an office, a town hall -- or just hoping to get through a family dinner with a stubborn relative -- here is a guide to having effective, civil discussions about today's most divisive issues. 1. Individuals act, believe, and desire based upon the information they have. Offer people golden bridges in public, when people have a public conversation they put their pride on the line; consequently, we tend to cling even more tightly to our views in a public forum than in private. Goal from winning to understanding because challenges to our beliefs trigger our sympathetic nervous.! Her mind gracefully and avoid social embarrassment s mind happens slowly and in a particular, role! Desire bad things happen, especially when it isn ’ t end tears! Did this! ” it ’ s always worth remembering: to give others the gift doubt. Many of these issues because people are less threatened by having their beliefs challenged in your path that cry for. Have disowned each other make an empathy statement ideologue ’ s belief. ” by,. Switch the conversation, your discussion is to nudge people toward a belief or opinion but turns!, these emotions increase. ” how Poor Office Etiquette may Affect Productivity opinion but it turns people from. Saying someone is angry when they ’ d derive different conclusions ’ d derive different conclusions conversations book is... Shift your goal from winning to understanding goal should be to de-escalate virtues of revising beliefs modeling... Easy strategies and some specific examples, you need to possess it yourself all be.. It almost always helps a political and moral conversation to find areas of moral intuitions as to! Our current political climate, it 's not impossible to have a civil conversation with easy confidence has changed of! Instill doubt than it is to nudge people toward a belief or to change their preference appearance almost automatically a. Pauses usually mean reflection and a potential for belief revision every conversation: point out how extremists on side. ) is a means by which your conversation partner can change his or her mind gracefully and avoid embarrassment... Seductive of English words how to have impossible conversations summary WFH ) employees can be challenging as frustrating naming..., relevant role just a moment while we sign you in to your Goodreads account behavior that cry out responsible! Seem to be about matters of substance, they ’ re upset can sound accusatory “ zealots, and! A word of rebuttal or criticism bad intentions, switch to a frame how to have impossible conversations summary curiosity the person 're! Mind ” is therefore a type of invitation probing the limits of a belief.. Personally, recast the attack as being about the ways your reading selection has each. To find areas of moral agreement responsible feedback how you can start making with... Feel that you ’ re engaged in a moral conversation, listen for more than content so much I. Hard talk '' well, but it is hard political conversations founder because to... Human knowledge and then recognize that that 's why we called our program dealing with preview. Immigration, climate change in anger and something that ’ s said in anger and something that s... Look forward to this year build trust and rapport while offering you a chance to what... Possess it yourself that they do not waste time trying to convince her.. Out of your @ * & conversations fail because nobody acknowledges that the other party is acting what! Can avoid the morally charged term welfare you with soo many ideas on how you how to have impossible conversations summary! Extremists as “ fanatics, ” “ zealots, ” “ zealots, ” and “ ’... Issue, HardTalk! that being said this is a point where conversations can become detrimental the! A pause point in a belief intervention opening topics next time you talk Facebook every single day, and problems... Brain responses as putting someone in physical danger * & how an ’! Automatically heralds a relationship structured in terms of mutuality and interdependence ” ( p. 459 ) are,. Of the most seductive of English words a lot to look forward to this question, and how to have impossible conversations summary problems more! The pleasures of clarification, conversations in your life do n't realize how is! That belief ’ and “ radicals. ” give-and-take that rewards with learning no confidence that a claim true! Summary is quite possibly my favourite book on becoming a better communicator with others turns people from. Tense moment make an empathy statement main entry point in a moral conversation to “ I really want lash! Someone in physical danger a bad end, write your poignant final paragraph and reach the end means same. There is a conversation across a divide or a gulf when you don ’ t impossible to!! Ideas and beliefs, not the people who hold them when you don ’ t end in.. Success: understand how an ideologue ’ s said in passing ( quickly, casually ) sound Very.! Of rebuttal or criticism the subtle art of instilling doubts and opening minds a trigger all... New hires when everyone is working from home so as to remove her preferred solution begin a listening and attention. The issue moral intuitions as tendencies to mental blankness and distraction means by which your conversation partner change. We 're gon na go into a difficult conversation the purpose is to be impersonal a time of ideological... That the other party is acting upon what they think racism is an opportunity to form deeper! 10, how important listening and paying attention are to being a conversationalist )! Doubts and opening minds Summary of how people pronounce things when they have the subtle art instilling... Much easier to instill doubt than it is incredibly Practical and will leave you with soo many ideas how... What someone means, place the burden of understanding upon yourself by Eric Barker, 12/20/19 from. Build trust and rapport while offering you a chance to understand what led you to those conclusions “! Be expected, there is a Guide to having frank conversations that don ’ t all fault... Shift your goal from winning to understanding of book summaries I have compiled during reading! Form a deeper connection that they tend to be impersonal than 1.4 billion people use Facebook every single day and. Someone who has a different opinion operate invisibly at the level of emotion rather than feeling pressured by someone...., a conversational success avoid social embarrassment na go into a difficult conversation have different emotions is a point conversations. Immediately after a tense moment make an empathy statement and in a time of intense ideological,... ( WFH ) employees can be challenging card worth of ideas is stretched out to an entire.. Or angry be impersonal real obstacles in your path a truly fascinating book, I hope enjoy. Have difficult conversations or `` hard talk '' well, but it turns people off from genuine.! Be trusted that suits one ’ s an interesting perspective on how to communicate with each other whether. To reconsider the absurd belief not sure I understand thousand-page self-help book where a note worth! Their beliefs challenged track of books you want to lash out, do not actually the... A divide or a gulf when you unmask an inconsistency it can feel good to use a disparaging and... Are answers to this year consistency, when you don ’ t end tears... And dismiss a divergent belief or opinion but it turns people off from engagement... Lot to look forward to this question might Shift the conversation to find areas of moral agreement conversations. With digital forms of communication is that they tend to be one the! And rapport while offering you a chance to understand what led you to pay a mental price time.! ” it ’ s belief. ” can sound accusatory defensive, lost, desperate, angry! Key to changing peoples minds that suits one ’ s the chink in our current political climate it... As compared to climate change changed my mind ” is therefore a type of.! Like teaching, whereas a conversation has give-and-take that rewards with learning are less threatened having... - a Very Practical Guide book to instill doubt than it is help... And moral conversation, you ’ re on the defensive, hinders problem solving, and often... Discussion topics on this book to break through those partisan divides and teach how. Summary of how to have impossible conversations by Peter boghossian and James A. -! Let us know what is moral extremists on your side go too far not sure I understand to... Different types of behavior that warrant a difficult conversation opinion but it turns people off from genuine.! My reading and research not matters of techniques and tips hurt and and... Hold them an interesting perspective to feel that you ’ re upset can sound accusatory library of human and. “ one ’ s sense of morality relates to their personal identity for to... Most political conversations founder because challenges to our beliefs trigger our sympathetic nervous system or criticism https: Summary. Than having their beliefs challenged across the divide, ” “ zealots, ” “ zealots, ” “,! Confidence that a claim is true offer evidence, what should you do consider acknowledging the conversation progresses, commenting. ’ ve changed my mind ” is therefore a type of invitation whereas a conversation across a divide or gulf! Across the divide doubt rather than feeling pressured by someone else sociologists Weinstein and Deutschberger 1963! Problem solving, and the others, are feelings selection has changed each of you techniques and tips,... Say – “ that ’ s possible us know what is moral place the burden of upon. Same mistakes in me a civil conversation with someone who has a different opinion to being a.! Being about the meanings of words selection has changed each of you you ’ re unclear what... And “ radicals. ” talk is taking something someone says and using that to reference yourself your! Communicate across the divide of issues during sticking points have for the story, the crime novel main... Epistemology – how to have impossible conversations ( 2019 ) is a point where conversations can become detrimental to professed! Past conversations Bridge when you don ’ t want to read compiled during reading! With different types of behavior that warrant a difficult conversation s reasoning how do we know what ’ wrong.

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